Joy Division

So today I had sex. Yes. I did it. We had crazy sex and I was totally up for it so it wasn't because I gave into his pressure or anything.

Brandon got the record Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division in the mail yesterday from his cousin in the UK. He was telling me about it at lunch so I went to his house afterschool to hear it. Oh my god, it was beautiful.

We were sitting on his bed and the second or third song started to play and we started to make out, I pulled off my shirt and he pulled off his and we did it. The sex felt really natural and passionate. Not like last time when I just felt like I was being beaten up inside and I bled afterwards for two days, so gross. I haven't bled yet from today. I hope I don't, but I think it would have happened by now. Anyway, Joy Division is definately my new favorite band. I can't believe how great it is. It makes me really upset, angry, happy, dancey all in the same album. One of the songs went like "She's lost control again, she's lost control, she's lost control again" and we were having sex when it came on and I felt euphoric. He lasted through like four songs too which was really great, because usually guys always seem to just be able to go for like two minutes or something awful. This is so wierd. I don't know if its something I want to do really regularly but it felt great conquering my fear of sex.

I'm really excited about Joy Division. His voice is dreamy. The singer sounds dreamy. I need to find more of their stuff. I can't believe I'm stuck in America when there is so much wonderful music and art happening in the UK. It makes me feel like such a loser knowing my ancestors had to run away from Europe. It's like, I am a descendent of everything I hate. It's so pathetic. I can't have kids. If Brandon gets me pregnant I'm totally killing the baby and maybe even him!

Now I'm just laying here listening to Lou Reed "Take A Walk On The Wild Side" and eating some cookies and cream ice cream. Dinner tonight was wierd. I was sitting there feeling like I was glowing and I wanted to be able to explain to my parents what it was like and how exciting it was but whenever I looked up at them and saw them I couldn't bring myself to tell them so we talked about stuff that doesn't matter. Isn't that so wierd? My parents are pretty cool and I still feel really uncomfortable? DIE