Michael Jackson and Natalie should die

Ok... It's official, I think I've heard Michael Jackson "rock with you" a thousand times without even trying... it's been on top of the charts and playing everywhere! I can't stand it! This week is totally crummy, Natalie told Brandon about James and Brandon cried. What the fuck? Punch him in the face, smack me, yell at me, whatever but cried??? I couldn't handle it. It happened in the middle of lunch, in the middle of the cafeteria.

Natalie has no tact whatsoever. The rest of the year is over. I should just kill myself or run away. No more of Brandon's records, James probably thinks I'm a bitch and honestly I didn't even really like him so Natalie should just go fuck herself with a ten foot pole and die! Or I should do what that French King, I think it was a French King, anyway, Brandon was telling me that some crazy King in the middle ages used to sit on his throne and make his enemies slide down a pole. But not like a fire man, the king would have his guards lift the enemies to the top of the pole and they'd slide down asshole first till the pole popped out of their mouth. I want to do that to Natalie... I think Brandon would think it's hot because he told me about it. But this crying shit. I don't know what to make of it.

FUCK NATALIE

So Natalie called me this morning and said she is going to tell Brandon today. I called Brandon and said Natalie is a psychotic bitch who wants me dead so she is spreading lies about me and he needs to watch out. And he was like why is she so mad at you, and I was like I'm not sure... I think she is jealous of us. And I'm not sure if that was strong enough or not to keep him believing me. Tomorrow is the first day of school after Natalie has gone and ruined everything.

I can't trust a single soul because everyone, even my best friends,
has stabbed me in the back one way or another

i just want to climb a mountain and scream FUCK at the top of my lungs but let's face it that won't help me get any closer to oz or will it?

bra and panties

Today I made Brandon wear my bra and panties. Such a bitch. We were drinking beers in his room and he was hitting on me so I was like wear my underwear, I think it'd look sexy. He put them on then I put on some make up and then I laughed at him for awhile. He was like, "Do I look cute?" And of course I replied yes, but a cute fag. Then we put on Subway Sect and jumped around his room for awhile drinking beer, I was wearing one of his shirts and then we kissed and ended up having sex. It was good. I think I really like him. He's a bitch, but so am I. I just hope he doesn't end up a fag. I'm begining to have my suspicions. But I don't know.

We oppose all rock'n'roll
as going down the chute
We oppose the rock'n'roll
That's held you down for so long you can't refuse

Subway Sect is really awesome. Brandon has one of their EP's and that is all they have released, he says. I hope they release more. We'll see.

I lots of math homework to do this weekend but I really can't stand that class. That jock Michael keeps bugging me. I asked Mr. Schmidt to change our seats but of course he didn't say anything. My life is such a drag sometimes, I can't stand it.

Imaginary Boys

I'm wondering how Brandon views me. Do you think it's like how The Cure views girls? I really like Robert Smith, he is so dreamy but I get nervous. Natalie hasn't said anything YET!!!!!

You know you turn me on
Eyes so white and legs so long
But don't try to talk to me
I won't listen to your lies
You're just an object in my eyes
You're just an object in my eyes

Sophisticated smile
You seduce in such fine style
But don't try to fool me
'cause I can see through your disguise
You're just an object in my eyes
You're just an object in my eyes

But I don't mind
I just don't care
I've got no objection
To you touching me there

Object object
Object object
Object object
Object object

You know just what to do
Lick your lips
And I want you
But don't try to hold me
'cause I don't want any ties
You're just an object in my eyes
You're just an object in my eyes

But I don't mind
I just don't care
I've got no objections
To you touching me there
You're just an object object
Object object
You're just an object

Brandon and I had sex this afternoon. It was good. Then I had to go home to see my parents. Now I'm just sitting in my room listening to the cure. I have homework to do but I don't want to do it. I'd rather just sit here and listen to Three Imaginary Boys. James hasn't called me. I think I'm going to go call him now.

Monday Blues

It feels like my life is amounting toward nothing. Today at school natalie and I got in a big fight because she thinks I'm a whore because I told her what happened with me and James. I told her because I didn't see him this past weekend and I kind of missed him. I can't talk about it with Brandon so I thought I could talk about it with Natalie. She threatened to tell Brandon and I told her that if she did I'd never speak to her again. If she tells him everything will be ruined. I will have no one to talk to at school because everyone else there hates me or I hate them. FUCK! I just want to scream and make all this stop. She's probably just jealous because she doesn't have a boyfriend and I have one. But if she had one I think she would understand why it's so hard and why I like James. Don't get me wrong, Brandon is great but James is different and that is why I have a crush on him. I only made out with him once. It's not like we even did anything. I think Natalie is more of a square than I realized. I want to die but instead I'm listening to David Bowie Heroes:

I-I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins-like dolphins can swim
Though nothing-nothing will keep us together
We can beat them-for ever and ever
Oh we can be heroes-just for one day
I-I will be king
And you-you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can be heroes-just for one day
We can beat them-just for one day
I-I can remember
Standing-by the wall
And the guns-shot above our heads
And we kissed-as though nothing could fall
And the shame-was on the other side
Oh we can beat them-forever and ever
Then we could be heroes-just for one day
We can be heroes
Just for one day
We can be heroes
We're nothing, and nothing will help us
Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay
But we could be safer, just for one day
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh-oh, oh, oh, ohhh, just for one day
Oh, just for one day

I wish I could feel like this about Brandon but I don't. I don't completely. David Bowie is so lucky to feel that way about someone, even if it is just for one day.

library day

So today I was at the library with Brandon and we were talking to the librarian, Brandon is becoming really obsessed with French Literature. I have read some, I liked The Mandarins and most of what Simone says is divine. But I kind of don't get why Brandon is obsessed with De Sade. Well I mean, I get why he likes him but I don't get why he is happily involved with De Sade. It kind of scares me, but I'm also not that worried about it.

Anyway, so Brandon was talking to the librarian about French Lit and I was asking about American lit and the librarian gave me a stapled copied collection of Jack Spicer's poems. I'm reading through it now. It's pretty wild stuff.

This ocean, humiliating in its disguises
Tougher than anything.
No one listens to poetry. The ocean
Does not mean to be listened to. A drop
Or crash of water. It means
Nothing.
It
Is bread and butter
Pepper and salt. The death
That young men hope for. Aimlessly
It pounds the shore. White and aimless signals. No
One listens to poetry.

When I was first reading it I thought he was going to say that the ocean does not mean to be listened to because its so vast, like how can someone get an angle on it? If I'm standing on the beach and listening to the waves crash... I'm not listening to the ocean at all. The ocean is way to big to even try to comprehend listening to it. Does that make sense? I never know!

But then I thought I was reading it wrong, and now I'm not sure how I should read it. Is that how poetry is? Is he comparing poetry to the ocean because reading his poems doesn't really mean I've read poetry? It's so confusing. But really brilliant because it gives me a lot to think about. Then the librarian was saying he is really into aliens and then Brandon wanted to leave so I didn't get to hear anymore. Wierd. I guess he teaches in San Francisco. I'm going to apply there next fall when I have to apply to college. I can't believe I only have a year and a half left of highschool. Crazy! I can't wait to graduate because this place makes me want to vomit nearly every second of the day. DIE

neon lights

Shimmering Neon Lights. Neon Lights. Shimmering Neon lights. Today was totally boring and expected, but at least the week is half way over. I can't believe every week I wake up think 'wow its wednesday the week is halfway over!' my life is so pathetic. I just want to scream. And to top it all off James called me last night when Brandon was over and I answered the phone and it was so awkward. I think I played it off ok. Like Brandon had no idea that it was James on the phone when I was talking. I wonder what he thought? It doesn't really matter but basically I totally blew off James and I think he was kind of upset. But whatever. Brandon and me have been ok. Dad thinks he is funny or at least pretended like he did.

We were sitting in the kitchen and Dad came in wearing his afterwark pajama pants and was like "oh wow hi Brandon hows it going tiger." Tiger? What the fuck?!?! I was so embarrassed. Brandon looked at him and kind of growled and it was so wierd. Dad laughed and grabbed a beer and went back into the living room. What the fuck? Is there some sort of wierd male bonding thing happening there that I am completely unaware of or am I stuck with two insane males?! I don't know. I kind of like when Brandon comes here though because I have more control. Yeah, we don't get all his amazing records but I can call the shots as to what we do. Today I just made him sit there while I painted my nails black. I think he hates me. DIE